‍It was a warm June afternoon. I was in my new therapist’s carefully curated, sunlit room. It was our first session. After I had given her an outline of my cancer story, and she asked me when it was, I had started to feel well.

I groped for an answer I knew wasn’t there. I stared at the window, as if the answers to this question were hidden somewhere in the white venetian blinds. They were not. The truth, I quietly realized, is that I had not been feeling well, had not been living well. When I went back to work full time two years ago, I gave everything I had—and more that I didn’t, to my work, grateful to be alive. Ignoring my body. I had recovered enough to function. But four months ago, I started having debilitating panic attacks at work.

The river was frozen, massive chunks of ice floating silently between the large boats that sat in the river separating my hotel from the touristy shops across the way; the ones selling homemade dish towels, chocolate balls covered in sprinkles, and pomegranate juice. Stockholm in the winter shared the gray skies of the East Coast cities I was used to, but there was an understated glamor threaded through the cold winds, every window above the sidewalk revealing a curated cozy interior, heads bent over books placed under glowing table lamps, candlelight flickering on the sills.

I was there for a medical conference, sent overseas by my job to present an academic poster.

The tears are streaming into my barely edible “chicken casserole” and mashed potatoes on the overnight flight to Heathrow. My thumbs are raw and bleeding—a horrendous habit of skin picking I have not been able to break since I was five, always exacerbated by stress. The flight attendant notices my puffy eyes and pours me a second round of cheap prosecco, brimming over my plastic cup, just like the tears down my face. In her proper British accent, she whispers, “Enjoy, darling; get some sleep.” It’s as though she could feel my grief, my heavy chest and broken heart; the pit in my belly; the breath that is stuck.

I spent the week between my third and fourth rounds of chemo in complete silence — with a shaved head, a queasy stomach, and 30 strangers who weren’t allowed to speak to me. It wasn’t my first silent meditation retreat, but it was the first one I’d attended while actively battling cancer. I’d been on the fence about going, as these retreats had proven personally difficult in the past, and I had more than enough to deal with. But when my chemo schedule aligned with a retreat titled “Practicing Amidst Life’s Challenges,” it felt a little too on-the-nose to ignore.

Stacy and I were like two kayaks, paddling down the same whitewater river. Despite all we had in common, we were never really in the same boat. As I plunged back into treatment as a metastatic thriver, Stacy was dipping into her first diagnosis, surgery, and treatment. I felt like I could share the random tips and experiences I’d collected with someone who needed it. She taught me how to draw my eyebrows and coached me through wedding planning. As Stacy completed her initial treatment and moved into “real life,” I waited for my miracle.

The hallway was long and fluorescent lit, and empty aside from the two of us, charging wide-eyed towards our respective adventures. Shoes squeaking on the flooring, I stopped abruptly, turned to her, and made a proclamation without thinking too hard about it: “Alright, you go to Scotland. I’ll go to Nepal. Then, when we get back next spring, we are going to be real friends.” Megan laughed and cocked one eyebrow with a mix of curiosity and skepticism in her eyes at my bold prophecy.

I spent a year chasing some future version of myself that would finally feel “healed,” but instead, I burned out. After a few health setbacks, I was forced to pause. To be still. To ask myself: If setbacks are inevitable—whether in health, work, or love—what’s within my control? What can I build into my life, no matter the circumstances, that brings me joy and makes me feel most like myself?

It felt quite late when I landed in Thailand. I had been on a flight for two days, if you include the time travel. Bangkok was waking up for its evening shift when I left the airport. As we drove to the hotel, the sky was dark, the streets lined with vendors selling everything from the usual t-shirts to tourist souvenirs to household objects like batteries and pots and pans! The excitement was beyond real… Thailand was on my bucket list for so long. I was ready for anything.

I have always been a girly-girl with a preference for feminine fashion. I loved creating fun, flirty looks for ordinary days. I loved heels for everyday wear (yes, even while working in the vineyard), and I loved wearing sexy outfits that showed off my boobs. My breasts were gorgeous, almost perfect – the kind that had a natural, yet full, teardrop shape with perky nipples. Until cancer happened. Twice.

Face down, breasts out / there’s an intimacy to how / the radiologist probes / my suspicious finding / with needles, a vacuum, pincers / tools to make medical knowledge / of the body

This time was different. I was not sure what it was. I just knew it was not supposed to be there. “What the hell is this?” was my first thought, as I stood in front of the mirror — naked — feeling on my nippleless left breast. I went around and around, up, and down, even felt under my armpit. I massaged the right side — there’s no nipple there either. Only to feel nothing. I immediately thought — not again!