Swim: Searching for Answers in Memoir with Tova Wolking
Tova Wolking is an attorney from Oakland, California. She was diagnosed at 43 with Stage III, hormone positive breast cancer. She also carries the BRCA2 gene.
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Swimming Through Grief, Legacy, and Self-Mothering
Life often feels like the ocean—vast, chaotic, and deeply symbolic. For Tova, the ocean isn't just a metaphor; it’s a connection to her late mother and a reflection of her journey through grief, cancer, and motherhood. Her story, shared on The Burn, is a profound exploration of what it means to mother oneself while navigating loss and transformation.
A Childhood by the Ocean
Tova’s memories of her mother are framed by the ocean. Her mother would swim far out past the breaking waves, leaving Tova and her brother watching from the shore. The ocean held mystery, beauty, and danger—a perfect metaphor for the emotional tides of life.
Later, the ocean became a place of heartbreak. Just before her 40th birthday, Tova’s mother donned scuba gear, walked into the Pacific, and didn’t return. The pain of losing her mother was compounded by the practical challenges of handling her absence—her mother’s belongings, estate, and the legal declaration of death.
Grief, Illness, and Resilience
In the aftermath of her mother’s suicide, Tova faced her own battle: a diagnosis of bilateral breast cancer due to a BRCA2 mutation. The cancer, intertwined with her grief, forced her to confront mortality, not just for herself but for her young son.
Through treatments that included chemotherapy, surgeries, and radiation, Tova found strength in her love for her son. “I will fight against death,” she said, “if not for myself, then for my son.”
The Ocean as Mother
The ocean has come to symbolize her mother’s presence. Today, Tova finds solace near the water. “When I’m in the ocean, or near it, I know she’s there,” she shared. The ocean, once a place of chaos and loss, has become a source of support and embrace.
The Power of Memoir
Memoir writing has been central to Tova’s healing. By naming her mother’s death as a suicide, Tova rejects silence and shame. She acknowledges her mother’s lifelong struggle with mental illness, transforming it into a story of resilience rather than weakness.
“I wish I had known during her lifetime,” Tova said. Her openness is an act of both healing and defiance, ensuring that her mother’s legacy includes the truth about her struggles.
Mothering Herself
Beyond caring for her son, Tova has learned to mother herself. “It’s not a failure to be sad,” she noted. “I’m always there for my son, and I’m learning I need to always be there for myself.”
This self-compassion extends to her reflections on motherhood. While she strives to give her son what she wished for in her own childhood, she acknowledges that no one can fulfill every need. Instead, she embraces the idea of a "council of mothers"—a community of women who can fill different roles in her son’s life.
Tova’s journey is a reminder of the boundless capacity for healing and transformation. By mothering herself, honoring her mother’s legacy, and finding strength in her son, she shows us how to navigate the waves of life with courage and grace.
Writing Prompt Inspired by Today’s Episode
Tell the story of your relationship with your mom through the story of her hands.
Can you picture them? The lines in the skin? Her nails? Maybe there's nail polish or rings? Are her hands soft or calloused? How did they hold you? What did those hands mean to you in your childhood? Can you see them holding a kitchen utensil, perhaps, or gripping a steering wheel? Also, you can substitute any mother figure for your mom in this prompt, or swap out mom and insert dad, or even another caregiver.
Begin with the details.
Set your timer for eight minutes, write without stopping or editing yourself to see what needs to come out and where it will take you.
If you find that you write best with a good prompt, check out our free prompts and learn about our writing workshops.
Happy writing! Until next time, take good care.
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